Duncan Bradshaw prefers cats to dogs and tea to coffee. He
doesn’t like gravy. Despite these bizarre – some might say borderline psychotic
– tendencies, I still like him, as a person and as a writer. With such a warped
outlook on the important things in life, it’s unsurprising that his writing
oeuvre lies well ensconced within the weird end of the literary spectrum. This
is a man whose last novel featured a psychopathic vacuum cleaner on a killing
spree.
His latest release, a joint publication via his own Eye Cue
Productions and the Sinister Horror Company, is a summer blockbuster of a
novel: Cannibal Nuns from Outer Space! (Or
CNFOS for short – a name rejected by Lovecraft for one of his Great Old Ones
because it was too easy to pronounce). It’s a book which the author claims is
evidence he has finally found his voice. I wouldn’t disagree. I’m not entirely
sure where he found it but wherever it was, I imagine
there was a sign saying “enter at your own risk” on the door.
Cannibal Nuns from
Outer Space! – what’s it about then? Those looking for a profound
meditation on melancholia in post-modern society will be disappointed. Mind
you, if that’s the type of book they’re looking for, I should imagine
disappointment is a big part of their lives anyway. There’s little melancholy
to be found here although, come to think of it, there is some post-modernism –
most notably in the frequent references and homages to classic films which are
dotted throughout the narrative. These are all handled deftly, enhancing rather
than distracting from the story.
Scattered too, are name drops of indie authors, something I
occasionally do find distracting but here presented in such outlandish
situations that the jokes are magnified. It could be the case that real
character traits have been exploited for comic effect. If that is so, then
there’s one Welsh author I’d be reluctant ever to share a bus journey with.
(There’s also an early mention for an “Anthony the Lesser Peeved”, a statue
that weeps blood – it’ll make more sense when you read it. I’m currently in
communication with my lawyers regarding a potential defamation proceeding).
(Over the word “lesser”).
But I digress.
As the title subtly hints at, the story concerns the threat
posed by a group of extra-terrestrial sisters of little mercy arrived on earth
to harvest human flesh. Their arrival doesn’t take place until quite a way into
the book which instead begins by introducing the novel’s protagonist, the
foul-mouthed and slightly deranged Father Flynn, member of the Order of the
Crimson Rosary, in the midst of performing an exorcism.
Things go as badly as might be expected, ultimately
requiring the calling-in of reinforcements, neatly introducing the book’s other
main characters, Flynn’s rival Father O’Malley and the demon itself. The whole
opening sequence is a joy to read, with some excellent one liners and highly
inventive use of names. Possibly aware of how unrealistic these scenes are, and
with an eye to keeping fans of literary horror happy, the author cleverly introduces a beard-dwelling axolotl to help ground the whole thing in
reality.
Flynn’s performance - and his subsequent handling of the aforementioned
bleeding statue - culminate in his becoming surplice to requirements for the
Order of the Crimson Rosary. A last chance is offered to him: rehabilitation at
the St Judas Centre for Reaffirmation of Faith & Training Convent. It’s
here, amid a plethora of cultural references, that he ultimately encounters the
titular nuns, who have landed their spaceship nearby.
High jinks ensue.
Twice now I’ve mentioned the cultural references which
litter the narrative, a feature of much of Duncan’s writing. He’s a proper
magpie in this respect, finding a pleasing line of dialogue or action set-piece
and pilfering them to reinvent in his own, slightly warped, way. I picture him
sat atop a huge pile of shiny snippets, leaving only to find a fellow magpie to
bring joy, or two more for a girl, three for a boy. Failing that, he’ll
probably just shit on your car’s windscreen.
The nuns themselves are a fine creation. (SPOILER: They’re
not real nuns). The reasons for their arrival on Earth are explained along with
their history and there’s much graphic blood and guts-letting to be enjoyed as
battle commences. Entrails and jokes fly thick and fast as the forces of good
and evil, and evil duke it out head to head.
It’s a rare gift to combine comedy and horror successfully,
it’s often the case that one suffers as a result of the other but that’s not
the case here. Even if you don’t get the references, there’s still plenty of
the author’s own deranged humour to make you laugh out loud and, more
importantly, a strong narrative upon which the jokes and entrails are hung.
A word too about the presentation of the book. Much work has
gone into the formatting and layout, with a variety of versions available, each
unique in its own way. The version I read as an ARC will ultimately be the
kindle release and, in keeping with the cinematic theme, contains
“trailers” for other movies ahead of the main feature. Both of which, I have to
say, I would go and see.
CNFOS is yet another triumph for Mr Bradshaw. If you can’t find
anything to entertain you within its pages then your either dead or – worse –
Jacob Rees Mogg. Whilst marking a natural progression from Mr Sucky, nicely developing what is a very distinctive style of
writing, it also increases anticipation for whatever lunacy spills forth next
from one of the weirdest brains in the writing community.
